


Doctor Trainwreck

by PastaBucket



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Female Black Companion, Male Black Companion, White Grandpa Companion
Genre: Absurd, Alternate Universe - Crack, Comedy of Errors, Cringe, Fantastic Racism, Parody, Satire, Spoof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-06 04:23:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16381325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastaBucket/pseuds/PastaBucket
Summary: My concise interpretation of the current Doctor Who episodes as an actual human being.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just cancel Doctor Who. Let it die.
> 
> Update:  
> I was going for multiple episode parodies, but I just can't keep up with things. There's plenty of material, but I'm considering stopping watching the series entirely. The first episode wasn't Moffat-bad, but they quickly began to spiral down the drain, down to a place where I don't want to follow. Space aliens just being an audience to anchient Pakistani struggles... Doctor Who blowing up a delivery service for no reason... Morals that bubble wrap is bad to pop...  
> Face it, guys: David Tennant and Russel T. Davies, are never coming back. It's over.

"Rosa Parks!" Then the Doctor's head literally exploded in a shower of gushing blood, while her companions were sailing through the air like fireworks. "Oh my god, you're the second coming of Jesus! In fact, you ARE black Jesus! If I consume your feces, will I live forever?"

Rosa couldn't do anything but stare at the freaks.

"Oh no - watch out!", the Doctor warned the others. (She'd gotten her head back somehow.) "There's a guy shooting lasers at us! Quick - let's teleport into another scene away from him!"

"Hahaa - guns are such useless things!", her companions agreed. "We can tell that he's already out of laser energy thingies, because plot convenience!"

"Oh no! Everyone in this scene's a cartoon racist!"

"Exterminate! Exterminate! We don't serve negroes here!" Ominous music blares!

"OMG, they're so much worse than the guys I encounter on my way home from my stereotypical Pakistani-Mexican mosque! In Pakistan they behead those who insult islam - why not here?!", Black Female Companion complained to Black Male Companion. "We're so oppressed, in spite of The Great Obama Change!"

"As a bus driver, I'm so ashamed over ever having had to share a job with the snake guy who dared to oppose black Jesus, but my late wife forgave me for my white sin.", White Grandpa Companion admitted.

"On that topic, wasn't Judas a je-?"

"Ssh! Hitler absolved those people from that original sin! We'll get to the six million bus driver genocide one day."

"Oh my God, there's black Jesus again! After her!"

"Oh God no, it's the freakshow!", Rosa exclaimed whilst trying to escape them. "Look, okay, fine. I'll have you serve Martin Luther King some coffee - how about that?"

"Martin Luther King!", Token Black Guy moaned while jizzing all over his own pants. "You're like almost as much Black Jesus as Black Jesus is! OMG muh black heritage! I feel like such a super negro right now!"

 

"Hi again, White Time Traveller Guy! I figured out all sorts of things about you: You were sent here, from thousands of years in the future, from another galaxy, to stop Black Jesus from transforming the entire universe, because you're a Time-Space Nazi!"

"My white dick is as neutered as a soggy biscuit, but I just hate Black Jesus so much!" Ominous music blares!

 

"OMG, we figured out the Space-Nazi's dastardly plan! His plan is to get somebody else to drive a bus, and that will unravel all of time and space so that black people will never be free! We got to help Black Jesus!"

"OMG, I know exactly how! Let's tell the new bus driver he's won the lottery! If some stranger showed up at my doorstep and told me that I had to leave my job shift to head to Las Vegas in 30 minutes, I'd totally buy that!"

"Fist bump?", Grandpa Companion tried.

"What, are you kidding me? I ain't ever fistbumping no dirty racist white bus driver jew!", Black Companion frowned.

 

"Okay, so we've rigged everything up perfectly now: We've brought 1 Black Jesus to the bus, 1 Snake Bus Driver to the bus, and exactly the right number of people to take up exactly the right number of seats, so that Black People will rise up all over the universe! Just look at those two having themselves a bus staredown, before that black ass squished that black seat - it was just beautiful!"

The two black companions came in unison while The Doctor and Grampa Companion came in shame over their whiteness.

"As a black icon, Black Jesus changed the world!", Doctor Who informed her companions. "In fact, she changed the universe!"

"So you're telling me, that prior to this, all over the universe, white space aliens, have been oppressing black space aliens?"

"Yeah, I feel so ashamed.", Doctor Who admitted. "...but my entire race was genocided, so I think I'm off the hook for that. Just look at this:", she told them, opening the doors to her Tardis. "She even turned space itself black."

 


	2. Space Jews in the UK - Coming Soon

Doctor Woman hesitated at the doorway of her Tardis, turning to them one last time. "I s'pose this is it."

"Yeah, I suppose it is.", Black Companion answered.

She nodded farewell to each of them. "Brownie... Whitey... Blackie..."

"Yeah, don't call us that.", Black Companion answered.

"What ' you gonna do now?", Brown Companion wondered.

"Ah, you know... ...back in the box. Put on some good hentai. Have a good wank. Off to roam the universe alone and unwanted, eating dry ramen straight out of the package..."

...and so she left them standing there, and Doctor Who was cancelled forever. The En-

 

"D'you want to come for tea at my-?"

"Definitely!", Doctor Woman immediately answered.

The other companions turned to Brown Companion with loud whining protests.

"What?! What did I say?!"

"She was only guilt tripping us! Now we'll NEVER get rid of her, you stupid git!"

 

COMING SOON: SPACE JEWS IN THE UK! =)

...WAY TOO SOON! =D


	3. Space Jews in The UK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's sneaky, hairy and scurries away really fast?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, usually I don't give a fuck what people think about what I write,  
> but what happened in Pittsburgh yesterday, that just isn't right,  
> and I want to make sure that nobody takes this as some kind of endorsement to hate or harm jews,  
> because actually thinking that jews are some kind of a threat, is just retarded.  
> I've had people from all kinds of ethnical groups let me down,  
> but somehow every jew I've ever known, have always been excellent people,  
> and though I usually frown at the concept of racial shame,  
> I do feel a deep shame of having to even share a race with  
> cretins who try to shame and persecute jews.  
> It makes me sick.  
> (The so called theocracy of Israel can go fuck itself, though.)

Doctor Woman kneeled beside the stacks of garbage sacks. "So, Brown-dad: What's all this smelly trash doing in your living room?"

"I collect it.", Brown Companion's dad explained. "People just keep leaving it about everywhere in the street, and so I think it's part of a conspiracy. We're from Pakistan - you wouldn't understand. I'm planning on breaking up the floorboards and start a landfill right about there. Maybe something will grow eventually."

"Oh yeah, I've heard that you do that kind of stuff in your culture. That's perfectly normal behavior."

"I can cook you some Pakistani food if you'd like. I think I saw an egg carton in one of those sacks. You know, they say the best before date is really just a suggestion..."

"No, thanks. I better be going now."

 

"Hands up! What are you guys doing sneaking around in my hotel!"

"Oh hey look, everybody - it's Donald Trump!"

"Wooow! Is he significant to all of time and space too?"

"But how's that even possible? Isn't Trump president of the United States? Shouldn't you be busy, you know, running things?"

"I don't see how owning a few hotels on top of that would be any conflict of interest. I mean people say, they say I'm Huge, and that I have the best Hotels, the very best..."

"Trump?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up. If I wanted to hear ramblings like that, I'd visit a retirement home."

"OMG, what is THAT thing that just scurried away over there?!"

"It was Huge! Almost as Huge as me!"

"That looked exactly like one of those jews I've heard about."

"Whitey! Don't be rude!"

"Okay, so I've never actually seen one in real life, but the films I watched as a kid, talked about these mansized hairy vermin that needed to be ext-"

"Okay, from now on, no white men are allowed to talk! This is a PG-13 show and you guys are ruining it for everybody!"

"Come to think about it, the spiders have been getting a whole lot bigger around the house lately. ...but you know how we British are: We just ignore it and go about our day."

"So there's lots of spiders running around he city, no doubt eating people of all races and colors. Whitey! You said you had some kind of experience with these things, so what do we do with them?"

"Well, ultimately they put them all in little secluded camps and starved them to death."

"Brilliant! ...but how do we lure them here, though?"

"Well, I kind of work at a spider lab, where we have these vials with spider pheromone that smells like home to them, and so maybe-"

"TERRIBLE idea! No, I need something more African."

"Well... ...I can rap for them?", Black Companion suggested.

"Brilliant! We'll use these giant speakers! Take it away!"

"Wassup! Blackie's in da house! This one goes out to all da spiders out there!  
We drink soda all day an' hang out in da subway!  
We used to have knives, but the nice officers took 'em away!  
We smile for the cameras and sometimes we flip 'em off!  
#Cringe if ya think life in da British ghetto is tough!"

"It's working! They're all swarming to shut him the hell up!"

"We shut them all inside the speaker room. Phew!"

"Augh! No, there's one giant eight legged jew left!"

"It's coming straight for us! No sudden moves!"

"Screw your optics! I'm going in! *BLAM!* *BLAM!* *BLAM!*"

"Oh god no, you shot a jew! That's a hate crime! That means life in prison for you!"

"Hah! I'm the president of the United States, and I've got diplomatic immunity. Suck on it, jew! You have to try better than that, Russians!"

"So you're certain that the speakers were loud enough to be heard by every spider in the entire city?"

"Oooh... Right... The city. You know, I actually just figured that if we took care of the spiders in the HOTEL, that we could make a break for it to my Tardis and get the hell out of here. I mean screw England!"

"Screw England! Hello Universe!"


	4. The Witchfinders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This show is like piss-drenched garbage.

"Why don't you admit it?", White asked.

"I don't know what you mean!", Doctor Woman replied.

"Well look at it! This isn't the coronation of Elizabeth I! You just took us to the local renaissance fair!"

"No, I swear it's your normal everyday medieval countryside!"

"Look how they're all dancing around to the tune of a lute, and there's even a barrel where you bob for apples!", White insisted.

"Oh that? They do that every Sunday over in Medievalla!"

"...and we WALKED here! Would we have shown up in medieval England, wearing jeans jackets and... ...whatever YOU're wearing, they would have probably tried us for witches on the spot! Instead nobody's even staring!"

Suddenly an old man rung a bell to gather their attention. "Hear ye, hear ye! Mistress Savage summons you all to the local witch trial!", he declared.

"See what I mean?", White argued. "They didn't even bother when they came up with that name: 'This is inquisitor Savage, and her friends Sir knight Disgrace and bowman Miss-a-lot.' Would this have been a really medieval village, you would have thought that they'd be glad to get rid of a witch, but instead of celebrating, suddenly they act like it's a funeral. ...and what's with that guy walking around like he's got Suspicious Character stamped on his forehead?"

"Please remember the most important thing about time travel: Do not interfere with the fundamental fabric of history.", Doctor Woman persisted.

"...like black women sitting down.", Black recalled.

"...but not white US presidents.", Brown chimed in.

"...so pretty much anything - 'butterfly effect' and all.", White concluded. "Look, it was suspenseful when you said it the first time, but when you think about it, even present day fairs is history to the future, and so by those arbitrary rules, you're telling us all to walk on eggshells for no reason, for the rest of our lives, until the end of time, which you've visited at one point, so we don't want to screw THAT up."

"What is it with you white people and acting all clever?! Stop talking!", Doctor Woman shouted.

"Look, I'm not the one travelling around in a time machine while telling everyone to not disrupt history."

"I thought you said this was just a renaissance fair! Speaking of Elizabeth I, did I ever tell you about that one time where I almost married her?"

"...and you're telling US not to interfere with history?! Is it so that you can have all the fun?"

"Look! We've arrived at the witch trail!", Doctor Woman changed the subject.

"Oh great: The inquisitor's played by a woman, and the witch is played by an eskimo...", White groaned.

"Shut up! Stop ruining the mood!", they all hushed him.

"We've gathered here today,", Savage Woman declared. "to randomly drown innocent women, who did nothing wrong, on behalf of the Patriarchy."

"Booo! At least act the part!"

"You know, I hate to see eskimo women drown, and so I'm gonna interfere with history.", Doctor Woman decided. "Hopefully it won't matter across all of time and space."

"See what I mean with it just being an excuse to steal all the fun?!", White gesticulated.

"I don't think you'll be able to do that anyway,", Brown remarked. "considering that you'll be swimming with a coat on, and that she's tied to that log, under water, with several winds of expensive heavy chain, and probably a padlock to go with it."

"Hold my beer."

"You in the strange witchcrafty-looking clothes - you will be punished for your interference!", Savage Woman declared.

"Is she alive?!", an audience member asked.

"No, not really.", Doctor Woman declared. "She couldn't hold her breath even for five seconds."

"Oh great. Now we have no way of knowing whether she was a witch or not!" Savage Woman was still her furious everyday self.

"But she drowned!"

"She could have gotten better!", Savage Woman argued.

 

(To be continued. I'm taking a break. F-ing hell...)

(No, on second thought, that hammy "king" character is doing all the parodying for me. I quit. I quit! There's too much nonsense going on here for me to deal with! Fuck this show!)


End file.
